Ok, before anyone says anything, I am fully aware of what I am asking for and how ridiculous it sounds. I want to run this script as a proof of concept only (it's a bet with a friend) and don't actually expect to unlock bitcoin private key passwords with the computer power that I have. But I do want the script to actually work. Assuming I had a quadrillion computers running this, I would expect it to actually work. You get my point.
Ok, so looking for the most efficient and quickest script that checks through all bitcoin private keys, and if it finds one with a balance of more then zero it reports it to me. It must be able to check balances and only report those with something other then zero. And it needs to do so rather fast.